Golf: that is what people do who don't know how to surf.
4 guys are discussing how they get their wives to let them surf every Sunday morning. The first says "Every Saturday night I take my wife out to an expensive dinner". The second says "Every Saturday I clean the house for my wife". The third says "Every Saturday I let my wife go shopping and she can buy whatever she wants." The fourth guy looks at the other three and just shakes his head. "You guys got it all wrong." On Sunday morning I get up at 5:00am, shake my wife and say surfing or intercourse?
A man was stranded on a desert island for 10 years. One day a beautiful girl swims to shore in a wet suit. Man: "Hi! Am I ever happy to see you."! Girl: "Hi! It seems like you've been here along time. How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?" Man: "It's been ten years!" With this information the girl unzips a slot on the arm of her wet suit and gives the man cigarette. Man: "Oh thank you so much!" Girl: "So tell me how long its been since you had a drink?" Man: "It's been ten years" The girl unzips a little longer zipper on her wet suit and comes out with a flask of whiskey and gives the man a drink. Man: "Oh. Thank you so much. You are like a miracle"! Finally the girl starts to unzip the front of her wet suit and asks the man leadingly, "So tell me then, have you been bored??" The man looked at her and said excitedly: "Oh, my God, don't tell me you've got a surfboard in there too??"
A male surfer had just caught a great wave and was paddling out when a beginning female surfer took off on a wave, wiped out and her board headed directly toward the male surfer. Sure enough, her board hit him, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, curled up on his board in agony. The woman rushed over and immediately began to apologize. She then explained that she was a physical therapist and offered to help ease his pain. "Ummph, ooh, nnooo, I'll be alright... I'll be fine in a few
minutes", he replied as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch. But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his board shorts and put her hands inside, beginning to massage him. "Does that feel better?", she asked. "Ohhh, Yeah....It feels *really* great", he replied, "But my thumb still hurts like hell!"
Two surfers are at getting ready to paddle out: Surfer one: ``Hey, guess what! I got a new longboard for my wife!'' Surfer two: ``Great trade!!!!''
As the man said, "I know I can surf better than this; I just never have". -Unknown
It's the most fun I've ever had with my shorts on. -Unknown
Golf is an easy game... it's just hard to play. -Unknown
If you think it's hard to meet new people, try taking off on the wrong wave. -Unknown
A surf contest is a test of your skill against your opponents luck. -Unknown
A surfer is surfing with a priest. While they are in the lineup trying to catch small waves the surfer tries, and misses, a two foot wave and says, "God dammit, I missed." The priest tells him not to use vulgar
language while surfing. Then on the next wave the surfer misses a three foot wave and says again, "God dammit, I missed." The priest tells him that if he continues to use vulgar language while surfing, he will have God strike him down with lightning and kill him. Then on the next wave the surfer misses on a four foot set wave and says, "God dammit, I missed." All of a sudden a tremendous bolt of lightning comes down and kills the priest! Immediately after, a voice comes out of the clouds and says, "God dammit, I missed."
A woman was surfing one day when she happened to find a bottle floating in the ocean and when she picked it up, a great genie appeared. "This is terrific," the woman said. "Does this mean that I get three wishes granted?" she inquired. "Yes," replied the genie, "But be careful, for whatever you wish, your husband will get ten times greater." So, the woman thought and she finally said, "Make me the best surfer at my break." The genie told her, "You will be the best female surfer at your break, but your husband will be ten times better." "Okay," she said, "Give me a million dollars." The genie replied, "It is granted, but your husband now has ten million dollars." The genie said, "You have only one wish left, so use it wisely." And the woman replied, "Give me a slight heart attack."
A couple of surfers had just finished surfing at their special permit only break. All of a sudden the life guard truck appears. Immediately, one of the boys threw his board down and started running through the beach like a bat out of hell, and hot on his heels came the life guard. After about a half mile the young man stopped and stooped over with his hands on his thighs to catch his breath and the guard finally caught up to him. "Let's see yer surfing license, Boy!!" the guard gasped. With that, the surfer pulled out his waterproof wallet and gave the life guard a valid surfing license. "Well, son," said the Game Warden, "you must be about as dumb as a lobster! You don't have to run from me if you have a valid license!" "Yes, sir," replied the young surfer, "But my friend back there, well, he doesn't have one..."
The operative principle behind any surf shop: It's easier to fool a tourist poser than it is to fool a surfer.
Two friends rented surfboards and surfed up and down the beach every day. One day they caught 30 waves. One guy said to his friend, "Mark this spot so that we can come back here again tomorrow." The next day, when they were driving to rent the board, the same guy asked his friend, "Did you mark that spot?" His friend replied, "Yeah, I put a big 'X' on the bottom of the board." The first one said, "You stupid fool! What if we don't get that same board!?!?"
While surfing off the Florida coast, a tourist snapped his board. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the broken board. Spotting and old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted, "Are there any gators around here?!" "Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!" Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore. About halfway there he asked the guy, "How'd you get rid of the gators?" "We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said. "Wow", said the tourist. The beachcomber added, "The sharks got 'em."
Give a man a surfboard, and you've distracted him for a day. Teach a man to surf, and you can't get him to work.
An investment banker was on the pier of a small coastal village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. His boat was full of beautiful yellow tuna. The banker complimented the fisherman on his catch, asking how long it took to catch. The fisherman replied, "only a short time." The banker asked why not stay out and catch more? The fisherman replied, "I've enough fish to feed my family." The banker then asked what did the fisherman do with the rest of his time, he replied, "I will sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take a siesta with my wife, stroll into the village each evening, sip wine with my friends, play my guitar, I have a full and busy life." The banker was not impressed. "I have a Harvard MBA and could help you. You should spend more time fishing and with the proceeds buy a bigger boat and from those increased proceeds you could buy several boats and soon have a fleet. Instead of selling your fish to a middleman, you could control production, processing and distribution by building your own cannery. You could leave this small coastal village and move to the city then to New York where you could run your expanding enterprise." The fisherman asked, "How long will this take?" The banker said, "Ten to 20 years." "But what then?" "Next you would announce an IPO and sell your stock to the public, making millions and millions. Then you could retire to a small coastal village where you could sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take a siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings, sip wine and play your guitar with your friends," said the banker smiling.
A surfer renowned for the amount of waves he caught was asked for his secret. "It's simple," he replied. "When I get up in the morning and my wife is lying on her right side, I only take waves with a right break. If she is lying on her left side, I only take waves with a left break." "Suppose she is lying on her back?" "In that case, I sure as hell don't go surfing!"
Moondoggie and three of his surfing buddies have gone surfing every Saturday for nearly thirty years. One Saturday, the guys are surfing near a highway when a funeral processional drives by. Well, Moondoggie lays down his pool, stands up on his board and places his hand over his heart. This processional is huge and takes nearly five minutes to pass. Once it passes, Kent sits down on his board and waits for the next wave. Needless to say his buddies are floored by his actions. One of 'em finally speaks up and says, "that sure was a respectful thing you did there when they went by." Kent replied, "It seems the least I could do seeing as how I've been married to the woman for over thirty years!"
Things you won't hear a surfer say........
Duct tape won't fix that.
My truck won't go down that arroyo.
Let's go shopping, surfing can wait.
Know where I can get tickets to the opera?
Hey! Lets take our wives surfing with us!
I feel pretty guilty not washing those breakfast dishes before coming out
here to surf!
Sorry Guys, I can't go surfing with you, I'll miss my Soap Opera!
Who borrowed my John Tesh tape?
Aww man, I broke a nail.
C'mon, man - we can surf anytime! Figure skating's on!!
Reasons Why Surfboards Are Better Than the Opposite Sex...
Surfboards curves never sag.
Surfboards last longer.
Surfboards don't get pregnant.
You can ride a Surfboards any time of the month.
Surfboards don't have in-laws.
Surfboards don't care about how many other surfboards you have ridden.
Surfboards don't care about how many other surfboards you have.
Boats don't mind if you look at other surfboards, or if you buy surfboard magazines.
If you say bad things to your surfboard, you don't have to apologise before you can ride it again.
You can ride a surfboard as long as you want and it won't get sore.
Surfboards don't care if you are late.
You don't have to take a shower before riding your surfboard.
You can't get diseases from a surfboard you don't know very well.